In Regret

What a heady feeling it is to be impulsive. To act without thought, to hell with repercussions.

But like every thought, every action has a ripple effect. And sometimes this ripple effect turns into a tornado which no matter how much you try, you cannot control.

I’ve been known to be impulsive. On most days I’m even okay with it, in fact I embrace it.

But today, today I live in regret. I lost my closest friend, my safe haven to an impulse, a stupid impulse which I should have kept in check.

I lost the boy who got me flowers, who wrote me Hey There Delilah, who catered to my every whim and fancy for a boy who could never be mine, who now seems more like a stranger than ever.

I’ve never regretted a single moment in my life, but I regret that.

I’ve always pursued the elusive, the hard to get, all the while taking for granted those people who keep me sane. Enough. No more.

I wish I could come to you and beg you to forgive me, one more time. This time I promise to keep your trust. Missing you is like a physical thing, the pain is tangible.

But I won’t. I cannot will not beg you to let me in. I loved you which is why I let you go. I know you can’t be just friends. But I want you to know, I regret, regret the mistake I made.

Stories, end

Stories end, some endings are not happy.

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Does that mean the love shared, the connection made ends?
Aren’t those suppose to be precious bubbles of memories you go back to when you most need them?
Some stories end, not because you want them to but because they must.
Some relationships end, not because they were less than perfect but because the tiny imperfection was so wrong, it couldn’t go on.

It is the most beautiful experience in the world to be loved completely.
To be blessed with that even once in a lifetime, is enough.

The Comfort Of Swapnil Patel

Everyone has this idea of an ideal boyfriend/girlfriend in their head. I did too. Until I met Swapnil Patel.

A friend and a companion, he protected me from people and was the safe-keeper of my secrets.

I could be myself, unapologetically. I could tell him anything I wanted, in any way I wanted cause I knew, I’d never be misunderstood.

He understood humans. He understood the faults in them and in me too .
He understood my need for space and my need to be needed too.

In a year that I’ve known him, we’ve never had a fight which went unresolved. How could it when we were so much in sync, when we just got each other so well?

I miss the comfort of you. I miss our ability to talk about anything, I miss the comfort of us. I miss being loved in the way only you could.

Everything I do, everyplace I go to, all I can think of is you. I don’t know if I miss what we were or the comfort of being with you. I don’t know if I miss the bond we share or I miss you cause of the bond we shared.

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Yes I am weak in separation. Weak enough to want to call you but strong enough to know, to know I am not good for you. Your love deserves more.

But one thing is for sure, I miss the comfort of you, Swapnil Patel.

The Curious Case Of Being Human

Humans are narcissistic creatures.
We believe we have the power to shape our future or rather change our destiny.

But can we really?

We think that we can’t live without a few people. Or someone would not be able to survive without us. We try to protect them from hurt, even if we have to lie for it. We think we are so important than we decide what is good and bad for them. What they will or won’t be able to deal with it.

But the truth is, being human we have a mechanism which helps us survive anything.

A person lived before the love of his life crossed paths with him and will survive even if she leaves. The time it takes for someone to recover might be different. The intensity of feelings might be different. But eventually, time heals everything.

A person might think, ‘I’m broken. I can’t do this ever again.’

But you won’t be broken forever. Your survival instinct will kick in and will eventually do what it must to be unbroken.

Don’t be afraid to get into something now, just because you are afraid of the outcome. Whatever it maybe, you will survive.

Humans are survivers. You will survive too.

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Humans are survivers. You will survive too.

On Pursuing My Dream

When you are following your dream, when you are hell bent on achieving it, you won’t let anything come your way.

It doesn’t matter if you need to do it part time or if you need to fill every moment of your spare time pursuing it.
It doesn’t matter if you need to finish your work in the train or if you have to wake up early or stay up late to meet a deadline.

You’ll do it cause you can’t imagine doing anything else, wouldn’t want to do anything else, no matter how much you need to push yourself.

But then you hit road blocks.
Ones which make you question your dream,
Ones which make you question whether you are as good at something as you think you are.

They hit you in the face, hit you like a sucker punch which you never think you will recover from.
And then you wonder,
What is the point of this struggle,
What is the point of pushing so much,
What is the point of pursuing this dream?

The seed of self doubt is forever growing, forever looking to expand its roots.
It promises to consume you, never to let you free again.

But it is in this state of utter despair that I make myself think of this quote,

For who can ask more of a man,
Than giving all within his span,
Giving all it seems to me,
Is not to fall from victory.

I don’t know if I will ever succeed in pursuing my dream,
I don’t know if this is the right path or wrong.
But what I do know is that I am here to fight,
Here to fight my moments of despair,
To forever strive to convert them to moments of glory.

Moment of glory as beautiful & inspiring as a new day

My moment of glory, will be as beautiful as the rising of the sun at the start of a new day.

Unplug

In this day and age where time is a blur, where days turn into weeks, weeks into months, months into years, there is little time to spend with oneself, to try and understand the thoughts that cross our mind, the experiences that change our lives.

When was the last time you went out for a long walk, with no destination in mind, with no purpose to be fulfilled at the end of the journey?

Take a walk. With no destination in mind.

Take a walk. With no destination in mind.

It seems to me that every person is trying to create memories of fun times and madness, to look back and say, ‘Yes, then there at that moment, it was madness. For you live your life only once.’

At the end of these fun times, there often is an inexplicable feeling of emptiness. One which will need to be filled, can be fulfilled only by more moments like these.
As long as we continue to search for happiness in external things, the moment of elation will last only until the moment does.
The people you meet, the moments you share, will give you only so much happiness, only so much satisfaction.
No one and no memory can give you joy infinitely.
No one and nothing can give you the feeling of completeness that you will experience in the moments of quietude spend looking within.

Unplug yourself.
Unplug yourself from the constant chatter of your phone.
Unplug yourself and just be.
Watch the world, watch your thoughts.
Let the quietude surround you.
Give yourself the chance to experience what it means to just be.

On the compulsion of being social.

Often we try to squeeze in as many plans as possible for the weekend.

There are people we need to meet, things we need to do, memories we need to make.

Then we head to work, talk about the mad weekend, about how exhausting it was, how we need another weekend to recover from this one.

We live in the past weekend, all the while pinning for the coming one, not for one moment taking the time to just breath and be.

I’ve never been much of a talker and when I see people going through this process day after day, week after week, all the time whining, I wonder why they put themselves through this process again and again.

The weird thing is that these people expect you to be a part of this process. They expect you to be a part of this social group, talk till you drop, talk even if you don’t make any sense.

Not being social does not mean a person is a loner. Neither does it mean that the person is uninterested in what others have to say. 

A person who doesn’t talk has a high possibility of being a great listener. The likes of which are very hard to find in this age where everyone is trying to look cooler and more happening.

A person who doesn’t talk might also be someone who is at ease in her own skin. She do not find it necessary to talk about the things she does, to get external validation of how amazing she is.

She prefers doing the things she loves, quietly,
Spending time with people she loves, having meaningful conversations of the likes which appeal to her,
All the while living in the moment,
All the while searching for the reason for her existence.

Yes, I am this her. And no one, neither the people I deal with everyday, nor the society I live in, is going to push into being social.

Ghost

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