Reaching out.

Everyone is lurching around in their own misery.

So if someone takes the time out to let go of their own concerns and help make your life even the slightest bit better it means something.
You mean something.

Only someone who is lost knows how it feels, to be drowning in misery.
Only someone who has no one to reach out to will know the importance of being there for someone.

If you have such people in your life, pause if only for a moment and ask them about their story.

Ask because you never know about the cracks they hide, which mark their souls

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This too shall pass.

There are days I miss you.

Miss you so much that I feel like putting aside everything am doing and reach out to you.
To come running to you or just hear your voice, that voice which was like a balm to my soul.

But on those days, I just need to remind myself that this too shall pass. That I miss the part of you, which was a part of us.
That there is no more us, just as you are not the you that I used to know.

Life is Messy.

Every day when I wake up, I hope for a day filled with light. And every day I go to sleep looking back on a day that was really a mixed bag. My days are filled with Everything—one minute I’m sitting at work completely annoyed by a project that’s becoming tedious and frustrating, the next minute I’m riding my bike home and right there trotting down the path is a coyote. Thirty minutes later, the coyote just a picture in my mind, I’m at home beginning to think about what I’ll have for dinner.

This is real life. It’s nothing like the movies in my head or the movies in the theater. Sometimes it’s boring, crazy, sad, frustrating, awesome, heart-warming, painful. Sometimes I cry, laugh, scream, or sit quietly taking it all in. It’s a jumble of everything, and you never know what’s coming next. Maybe you have a general idea which direction you’re heading, but do you really know what your life will be like next year, next month, or even next week?

I find this hard to accept sometimes—I want to nail things down. I want to pin my future to a board like a moth so I can see what it looks like still, instead of always fluttering out there ahead of me, barely visible in its constant motion. I want every day to be full of light and ease and time well spent—days I can look back on and say, “yes, I really lived the life I meant to live.”

But then the wild beast of reality saunters in and dashes my plans for perfect lightness. It challenges me, pushes my buttons, and in general asks me to wake up from my fantasies of a perfect life and live what’s really happening, live in the raw truth. And the truth is: life is not any one thing—it is everything. It is messy. It is wild. It is all over the place. Some moments are easy, some are really hard. Sometimes you feel like the air, other times you feel like darkness.

In moments of understanding, I can see the richness of this. I can see how the darkness creates deep warmth in me when I look at it with kindness. And that life is just one big rollicking adventure when I let it be. But much of the time I’m just tangled up in the whole mess trying to understand which way is up and which way is down.

And maybe that’s OK. Maybe it’s just the process of life to keep getting lost and found, again and again. Maybe this is the only way to understand that we can never really grasp life. We are a part of life, we are riding the waves of life. Life is sailing through us for the one little flicker of our one little life, but it’s so much bigger and wilder than us. So, of course it’s messy and unmanageable, and we can’t control it. Trying to control life is like trying to control the wind. You just can’t do it.

There is peace in this fact when you can feel it deeply. If you can’t control life, then you don’t have to even try. You can just sit back and enjoy the ride. However hard it may sound to let go of trying, I’m beginning to find that it may be harder to live your whole life trying to get control of something that’s uncontrollable. So, everyday I try and remember to pry my fingers off the steering wheel and see what happens. Sometimes my life opens up wide in front of me. Other times, I spend most of the day slowly lifting each finger, and when I’m finally hands-free, I clutch the wheel again and start the process over. This is reality. This is life. This is the big teacher. Lost and found, again and again.

This article has been written by Nichol who is a blogger at WordPress who goes by the name Blue Bicicletta. Thank you Nichol for this post.

For the love of poems.

Promise

(by me)

Collision was unavoidable
pronounced and predicted from that first shared glance
She had eyes of stories past
peppered with a speak-easy spark
the likes of Dorothy Parker and 70’s Woody Allen films

Everything pulled me closer
the echo of a laugh carried across the barrier wall
tiny typed letters of that spoke volumes and chapters
in-between the lies and lines we spread out
counting the seconds before our bodies would bend

There were moments I have never spoken of
feelings that have never been repeated
desires that lay open and ready
if not for that ever pressing shadow of fear
dangling ever so carefully from the exposed rafters

She grabbed my hand in hers and read the future
accusations flying out of trembling lips
all the denial from years past and ahead exploded
you know what they say about promises in the dark
but I meant them felt them wantonly wanted them

(I wanted her)

I drove into the eye of a hurricane
rain crashing on the spidery crack in the windshield
threats of water leaking in keeping my foot on the gas
run like hell just like she predicted
never once looking back to apologize

Midnight at the garden of a gas station convenience store
collapsing on a dirty bathroom floor
if they found me there would they try to fix me
or was I too far off the beaten drive to go back now
I left more than my secrets in her pale skin

This is a poem posted by lyriquediscorde who is a blogger on WordPress.

Feel

Do you ever have those times in life where you just don’t know what to feel? I second guess myself a lot. Part of it is an analytical mindset that is constant in asking why things are happening, questioning the way they are happening and wanting to discover the complex nature of people’s behaviors and personalities. Part of it, though, is because feelings weren’t a big part of my growing up so I find them often hard to navigate, hard to validate, and sometimes downright untrustworthy. I have a million good stories of great times, laughs and an amazing childhood, but there was also a thread that bred some less desirable emotions that came to fruition as I got older and ventured out on my own.

When I was 17 I entered into one of the toughest experiences of my life – up until that point and to date. I found myself in a situation, far away from home and family, that I could not find my way out of. Said situation was beginning to cut away at my own ability to function in normal life. I hit depression in two stages. First, in a frustrated attempt to break free from my circumstances I threatened suicide and quickly found myself in 24 hour surveillance with the laces taken out of my shoes, just in case. In a room that never went dark I contemplated my threat and the level of seriousness that I posed it under. One of the medical professionals charged with my life walked by my room early the second day and simply said, “Is it really that bad?” I didn’t know how to answer so I just shook my head no, thinking that maybe my deep unsettling was my own fault and I needed to buck up and get through it or, at least, that in the moment I was not going to end my life over it, even though it was a nine on a one to ten scale of bad. He let me go, right back into the circumstances that caused the panic in the first place, which, incidentally, got worse having missed those 24 hours. I was promised over and over again that it would get better if I just stuck through. I tried, but the feelings continued and within six months I had drained all the anxious energy in rebellion and then tumbled back into the kind of depression that keeps you in bed all day, causes you to miss work and means that other people check on you periodically simply because they are not quite sure what you are capable of or contemplating.

After loads of counseling, a court proceeding and the invasive measures of including every person I had ever known into a thick file analyzing the why’s and how’s, it was determined that my depression was circumstantial and, if I was just able to change the circumstances, I would find myself free and able to return to a normal functioning state. This opportunity was finally granted to me a year and a half after the start of the battle and only the struggle of healing was left. I state that in jest. The following years were incredibly hard mostly because I just didn’t know what to feel in any situation and was very aware of the ripple affect any amount of honesty may cause and the deep ramifications of a rash decision. Eighteen months had stripped me of the little I had of self assurance or acceptance and I had barely come out treading water, only 19 years old.

It is a lot easier to just not feel sometimes. At least for a little while it seems that shutting down the pain and disappointment will be a reprieve. It is survival and only possible if all other emotions are kept at bay, so we (I) began to avoid and pull away, disconnect and isolate. I still do that when I am afraid of pain or disappointment sometimes. If there is a lot at stake, it takes me a while to feel confident enough to be enthusiastic.

Part of my journey over the last few years has been one of getting back to feeling again, no matter the outcome, because I am realizing the power of deep love, of empathy and of vulnerability. I am glad that I have been led down this path because my relationships are stronger and my idea of God more solid, but it isn’t without bumps and canyons on the way. I often feel that I am still just learning how to feel.

This article has been written by d.lynn. You can find her blog, I Heart Change at WordPress. Having been in a similar situation I could easily relate to ever word she said. Even if I hadn’t, her words paint a picture so complete that its impossible not to feel what she felt. Thank you for this post.

How do you think that feels?

There is a tricky game that is sometimes played when we chase around trying to please everyone in our own reality. We squeeze ourselves into roles and words, don masks of glee or sorrow, depending on what is needed, and wrap our arms around everyone imparting a sense of “I will be anything you want me to be”, and in it we also wear a war-torn badge of self-proclaimed martyrdom, an honor that we bestow on ourselves that is honestly not very honorable at all. Not living your life with your wants and needs included, and instead relying on just doing what everyone else wants, needs and desires, and waiting for them to lead the way, is actually a selfish act. It takes you out of the equation, and thus out of the responsibility of any action you take. It makes those around you often rely too heavily on you, turning what could be a healthy relationship into something that is potentially harmful and dysfunctional. It also completely inhibits intimacy. By never showing exactly who we are we keep at a distance, never allowing anyone to know us, or know our needs. This makes it impossible for anyone else to truly love us, and it also makes it impossible for anyone we claim to love to actually feel loved. Trust is completely thrown away when we only set out to please others because we are not trusting them to make us happy or to understand us, we are not trusting ourselves to open up to others, and we are not trusting in the give-and-take of human connection. In the end, we are keeping ourselves apart and navigating everything in a very calculating manner, we are acting as director and writer, but never using our own words or directions. We are controlling others by using their wants and needs, or at least our most likely skewed view of their wants and needs, to control them. It is a tricky game, a dangerous one, and ultimately a self-destructive one.

The person who allows themselves to be catered too that way, and “loved” that way, is not without guilt in it either. In order to truly love someone, and be in a real relationship with them, be it as a lover or a friend, we must stomp our feet sometimes and insist on balance. We need to ask questions, refuse to lead sometimes, step back and go “no, I need to know what you want/feel/need”, and persist towards a place where mutual trust can be achieved. This is no easy task, especially not when we all have so many insecurities, and often are fraught with so much past disappointment. We have to decide to be brave enough to expose who we really are, the good the bad and the boring, and just be ourselves. We need to stop hiding everything in our minds. But, honestly, who among us is brave enough to do that?

This is a post by lyriquediscorde who is a blogger on wordpress. She writes the most beautiful words. I am in awe of you. Thank you for this post.

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